I am writing to inform you that it is a difficult thing to love your best friend when Shiite
Muslims and the Charmin Bears wipe their asses with sandpaper while watching Bear in the Big
Blue House and Jo Jo's Circus play strip poker with the Pot Bellied Butthole Surfers after a
night of hard drinking and freebasing clearasil left the Dell Dude without his pants in the
middle of a prison courtyard where he was greeted warmly by the Aryan Nation who wanted nothing
more than to eat Jello Pudding Pops with Bill Cosby while listening to Three Little Pigs have
wild animal sex with the Doublemint Twins because once upon a time in a galaxy far far away
there lived a peacock who loved to be tied to the wall and beaten like the Gimp in Pulp Fiction
because Big Bird got medieval on the ass of a Catholic Bishop while he was searching online
dating sites for the perfect altar boy to take to the Junior/Senior Prom where he planned to
shuck off his clothes like an oyster shell and run naked through the streets of Babylon 5 while
singing Old MacDonald had a farm EIEIO at the top of his lungs when on that farm he had a cat
who watched in horror as Mighty Mouse took it up the ass from Dumbo live on the internet before
thousands of paying customers via webcam when suddenly out of nowhere Ninja Siamese Twins burst
on the scene and cut everyone to pieces using the secrets of Shaolin Kung Fu after Little Bo
Peep bought some sheep on eBay for the bargain basement price of her soul much to the chagrin
of Mary's Little Lamb who was whoring herself out for candy bars filled with the love pudding
of Michael Jackson and Gopher Boy because the Cow goes Moo when the Big Fucking Q in NyQuil
rears its ugly head and bays at the moon while riding a Crazy Train to Petticoat Junction where
blow jobs come cheap when you stick it in a hole and ask no questions because you never know
what will happen on the next episode of the best reality TV show on earth when the Gotta Be Gay
Guy gets a pearl necklace from the Skeleton in the Closet because when that fucker comes out
boy does he come OUT when the third strike is called and the batter returns to the dugout on
the orders of the Pope who circumcised Hanukkah Harry while whistling Dixie under the boardwalk
when Park Place was mortgaged out to cover the gambling debts of Darth Vader after he placed a
bet on behalf of The Emperor who was planning to use his winnings to buy a DeLorean and
retrofit it with hyperdrive after Batman and Robin danced with the devil by the pale moon light
after having a one night stand in a seedy motel room with Martha Stewart who thought it was
just delightful when Curious George debuted his autobiography entitled Golden Showers and
Beyond the Story of Me and the Man in the Yellow Hat who was suing Ronald McDonald for
paternity of Grimace's love child which came as a surprise to the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man
after his circle jerk with the Michelin Man went awry following the premature release of fluid
into a Cracker Jacks Box which caused Sea People to merge with semen and produce Sea-Vilization
following the random acts of violence carried out in the name of Janet Reno when Elian Gonzalez
got revenge on the Purple Pieman for his actions against the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter
Day Saints after the Five Families of New York teamed up with the Four Horsemen of the
Apocalypse to launch a subspace probe into the rectal cavity of Fat Bastard who wanted nothing
more than to drink the saturated fat of the Nine Trillion Millimeter Lobster Man and his
Nuclear Powered Tie when Weapons of Mass Destruction were found squirreled away in the closet
of Chip and Dale who were immediately declared enemies of the state by Mickey Mouse who was
preparing to divorce Minnie because she was fucking Goofy and I don't mean she was crazy after
an appearance on the Jerry Springer Show with the topic of I've been here 365 times and I STILL
ain't found my baby's daddy produced a video showing Yoda being shoved up Chewbacca's ass with
no lube and using only the power of the force to play No Limit Texas Hold 'Em Poker with Robin
Hood as Maid Marian slipped away in the shadows for a midnight rendezvous with Little John who
wasn't so little after all it turned out when Friar Tuck and Sebastian Bach found themselves
serving 18 to life for the vicious cycle that caused the malfunction of the Love Bot 2000 in
mid hand job which led to several class action lawsuits on behalf of people accidentally
electrocuted by the conductivity of their own seminal fluid and it's raining men hallelujah
when the Blue Oyster Bar officially reopened for business and there were holes in the walls of
the White Rhino's underpants which caused a severe backup on the information superhighway when
Spongebob Squarepants danced a jig on the rotting corpse of Moby Dick after Captain Ahab and
Captain Nemo discovered the joy of using Ben Wa Balls on one another while Captain Hook stood
nearby jerking off furiously into the face of Smee who with a smile and a wave of his hand
happily jumped off the Empire State Building into a bowl of chocolate pudding because there is
no synonym for thesaurus when those fucking dinosaurs in the Land Before Time movies died in
the thirty seventh sequel when they succeeded in eating the last available tree star which
believe you me led to a riot which was broken up by the Keystone Kops who screamed ATTICA
ATTICA ATTICA the whole time when the Universal Church of the Undying Cockroach was founded as
the one true faith for all who feel that only the lonely know the way I feel tonight after
Mother Goose and the Little Red Hen had a lesbian love affair that was featured on Dateline NBC
after Three Blind Mice found their way into a brothel run by the Crypt Keeper which was shut
down when necrophilia was finally outlawed in California after the third reich was revived by
the fingernail people who immediately declared war on the Dry Scalp Avengers who were powerless
against their relentless onslaught when Head and Shoulders were cut off at the bar after
drinking themselves to  oblivion and making passes at the One Eyed One Horned Flying Purple
People Eater which sure looked strange to me when it turned out that the Six Million Dollar Man
was having a homosexual love affair with Big Foot much to the horror of the Easter Bunny who
immediately locked himself in a room never to be seen again after the Paris Hilton sex video
topped the list of DVD sales at the Sex Dwarf Video Store following the insidious plot of
outside forces to prevent the three toed sloth from ever finding love with the duck billed
platypus when Simon and Garfunkel appeared on Celebrity Death Match and beat the ever living
shit out of Siegfried and Roy while chanting YAY PEPTO BISMOL over and over again because
repetition is the key when embarking on a deep space mission of peace to the planet Seuss where
the following was overheard by a reporter on the scene I will not sex her on a plane I would
not touch her on a train the coochie needs to be so clean that I won't have to be mean which
confused the hell out of the Church Lady who saw Satan and Marduk God of Babylon walking hand
in hand down Broadway on their way to the newest play by Andrew Lloyd Webber Jesus Christ
Phantom of the Superstar Opera because next week at the same bat time and same bat channel
watch in amazement as the 30 ton rattlesnake with elephantitis of the nuts takes on the poison
eye cobra in a 12 round fight for the World Snakeweight Championship only on Pay Per View where
Santa Claus will be giving away free gifts at the door when Mrs. Claus' sister tested positive
for steroids during random drug testing at the toy factory because the Christmas Elves went on
strike when Local Union 32465435489 decided that they were tired of being paid Mexican wages
and walked off the job and on stage at a Band Aid concert where they raised money to the cause
of the Deep Scalp Avengers counter attack against the fingernail people who were goose stepping
their way through the streets of Paris because who's really surprised they surrendered when
Pamela Anderson Lee and Heather Locklear wrestled in a mud pit while Tommy Lee stood around
admiring his manhood in the magic mirror who was told by Snow White that asking for seven
inches did NOT mean seven one inches which of course Dopey took in the worst possible manner as
he was found later that afternoon with a 22 gauge rifle on top of the Hollywood sign picking
motherfuckers off one by one like it was no big thing when Brainy Smurf was caught masturbating
into Smurfette's panty drawer and was immediately ostracized by the other Smurfs and while in
exile to the land of Nod a chimera and a gryphon found paradise by the dashboard light and were
mortally embarrassed to discover that speed dial had been activated on the Long Range Scanners
for extraterrestrial activity and their tryst was broadcast live in full audio to the Slorgs
who thought it was really funny when the fork ran away with the spoon after Little Boy Blue
stuck his finger into a dyke who slapped him and told him not to take things so literally since
who knows what lies in the hearts of men when a power struggle within the hierarchy of the
Universal Church of the Undying Cockroach led to the revelation that the word had always been
CELEBRATE and not CELIBATE as had always been believed before when the Terminator finally came
out of the closet and admitted his secret attraction to the T-1000 who blushed furiously when
C-3PO posted pictures on the internet depicting sex acts being performed in the oval office
while the Viagra car was driving hard and deep into turn two when it suddenly went limp and
caused a 27 car pileup which tore at the fabric of space creating a rift in the space time
continuum allowing Gabriel YuLaw to pass through and start killing everyone in sight in his
quest to be the one because Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers when the Brave Little
Toaster sacrificed herself in the name of love following the declaration of Jihad upon Austin
Powers who felt shagadelic after Frau Farbissina was caught playing with a vibrator on Air
Force One much to the mortification of Dr. Evil who wished he had an Oscar Meyer Weiner
following the death threats sent through email to the High And Mighty Mighty Mouse who was
tripping on LSD with the fingernail people during a planning session on how they can continue
their war with the Dry Scalp Avengers with a minimal amount of casualties involved because
insurance rates tripled following a 38 ship pileup in near earth orbit that was caused by
gawker traffic while the Millennium Falcon drifted burning in space following a fuel leak out
of C-3PO's ass who to say the least was QUITE embarrassed over the whole affair when this week
on Hollywood Insider a freak on a leash was featured tap dancing on the grave of Rin Tin Tin
while drinking peacock piss from a goblet in the shape of the Jolly Green Giant's testicles
that was given to him as a gift by Sprout who worshipped those things like you would not
believe because this is an A and B conversation so C your way out when the MSN Butterfly was
caught in a compromising position with the Nabisco Thing because the Ambiguously Gay Duo were
given their own reality TV show as a reward for service in the name of the one true God who
shall remain nameless to protect his anonymity following the scandal that erupted when it was
discovered that Judas Iscariot had received a credit card in the name of Jesus Christ and
immediately bought himself a bag of silver and a long rope which he then used to engage in a
sado-masochistic love affair with Elmo who was tickled red when Oscar the Grouch sold his ass
for crack on Sesame Street and it's called PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken when
Christmas Tree Angels finally spoke out against the notion of having trees shoved up their
asses bringing worldwide attention to the unwanted sodomy they go through year after year in
the name of Holiday Cheer and it was a top story on CNN after Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer
was seen by the paparazzi entering a rehab clinic and his spokesman informed the world that the
red nose was NOT in fact a birth defect but the result of years of cocaine use starting from
the cradle which came as a total shock to Happy New Year who with the help of plastic surgery
finally had that ear problem fixed and no one laughed when Santa Claus' labor dispute with the
Christmas Elves got ugly and he hired scab workers from Underpants Gnomes Local 3654 and riots
broke out in front of the toy factory and there was a huge dick waving contest though there
wasn't a single huge dick in the bunch and the real losers here are the children was the
argument when a new agreement was finally reached in the zero hour and Christmas got off
without a hitch but the memory of the dispute will live down in infamy and songs of despair
were sung from one end of the world to the other when Yukon Cornelius turned up dead from a
single gunshot wound to the head in what was believed to be a Mafia related execution for his
role in the use of Underpants Gnomes to make Christmas Toys