Just yesterday, the Marlboro 100 Gold Box with white stripe jumped Linda Pellegrino for
conspiring with Mickey Mouse to oust Radioactive Bowling Man from the Jeep and Eagle Nuclear
Waste Potato Peel Lemon Juice Foundation when Right Said Fred thought he was too sexy for the
Rooster when the cow jumped over the moon after finding out that Captain Kirk let his static
Klingons stop him because he forgot to get Bounce and Doctor Galazkiewicz drank from the Holy
Grail when Monty Python shoved it down his throat after Vidal Sassoon was fired from a cannon
and accidentally hit the grasshopper dead head with the Eye Ring in New Age Creations when
Terrapin Station assassinated the Maytag Repair Man for eating spam with the guy in the Cheer
Colorguard commercial while tripping on LSD with Mr. Food who was sued by Julia Child because
the milk he had mainstreamed disabled children who obliterated a space shuttle when their
fearless leader Enrique Muchacho of the San Jose Sharks scored on Nutsin Scrotum when Pat
LaFontaine saw his shadow and murdered an innocent peacock who was just walking on air after he
had bought some coffee ground moonshine from the Pot Bellied Butthole Surfers who went to war
with the Killer Klowns from Outer Space because they couldn't get tickets to the wrestling
match between Balki from Perfect Strangers and Shit the Bed Fred who ruined a Mona Lisa after
mistaking it for a toilet because Jack Sprat could eat no fat and Little Boy Blue Michael
Jackson who spanked the monkey for choking the chicken for beating his meat after the Bed
Wetting Cousin shot a Zebra because he was talking to the Radioactive Bowling Ball who had just
allied himself with Enrique Muchacho in the fight against the Anti Spam Foundation who up the
Cat in the Hat because The Village People went to the YMCA where they met a macho man Randy
Savage who was eating a Slim Jim while bungee jumping into jello with Jack be Nimble Jack be
Quick with Georgie Porgie and Big Bird because Oscar the Grouch had one eyebrow and the Bud
Light Guy discovered that spam tasted good when he ate it with Doritos and that green stuff
that Dr. Pepper used in an envelope because the Book Honor Bound had sex with a 15 year old
girl while in space searching for Bob Abrams who had the strength of every man, woman, and
child in China because Santa Claus recovered from the gunshot wound inflicted on him by the
grasshopper dead head who then watched as the Lorax carried himself away because he was beat up
by a truffala tree and Eyewitness News electrocuted Han elephant in Tops after a eunuch
harvested the hair from George Pataki's head and force fed it to a linebacker who missed a sack
and accidentally stepped on an anthill while the fingernail people were drowning in a drop of
water and an airplane flew into a courtroom because OJ Simpson became friends with Tom and
Jerry who ordered a mob hit on Scooby Doo which was foiled by the Mystery Machine and was then
arrested by the invincible crime fighting spam eating Enrique Muchacho who swore that
Snuffluffagus said supercalifrajilisticexpealidotious which offended the high and Mighty Mighty
Mouse because after what Snuffluffagus said was confirmed, our fearless leader Enrique Muchacho
embarked on a fabulous journey with the Spam Freedom Fighters to Mardi Gras where they were
ambushed by the Muppets because it was almost Ash Wednesday and the Bed Wetting Cousin and Shit
the Bed Fred became the best of friends while discovering that Ice Beer went pretty good with
Spam too and the Book Honor Bound's search for Bob Abrams ended when he found him embroiled in
war with evil George Tita on the far flung planet Spam and the Keep the Fat Kid Fat Foundation
went to war with Overeaters Anonymous because they created a recipe with spam served with
chicken livers and spicy battered women who kill coyotes in New York City while attending
Enrique Muchacho's off broadway show "The Joy of Spam" who by the way ordered the mainstreamed
disabled children to beat the crap out of Newt Gingrich who was caught conspiring with the
Anti-Spam Foundation to have Balki infiltrate Muchacho's organization and sell them information
regarding Radioactive Bowling Man and his Bowling Ball which still had the strength of 100 men
and the grasshopper dead head who can't find a better man and really wants a spanking after he
was outshined by the Black Hole Sun and took This Love before he was kidnapped by Santa Claus
who was still pretty pissed off about getting shot in December and wanted Frances Farmer to
have her revenge on Seattle with the Elderly Woman Behind a Counter in a small town who
secretly had bugs in her head and was married to stupid mop who watched over her in silent
lucidity before he was beheaded by Elmo and Grover on the orders of Oscar the Grouch who had
allied himself with George Tita who declared war on Enrique Muchaho who allied himself with Bob
Abrams and kidnapped Cousin Billy for blasphemy against the Holiness of Almighty Spam who
crumbled under intense interrogation and was brainwashed by the dishwasher while the
grasshopper dead head escaped from Santa Claus and foiled the murder attempt on Enrique
Muchacho who gave the grasshopper dead head tickets to a Grateful Dead concert while Bert and
Ernie jumped Big Bird and John Travolta danced with the devil by the pale moon light before
being stabbed by a duck billed platypus for accidentally running over a squirrel with his car
and a sloth played poker with a possum and won although the possum was cheating and was then
assassinated by Cousin It before he was to fight Thing who was shot for giving Enrique Muchacho
the finger while the mainstreamed disabled children were rebuilding the obliterated space
shuttle to join Bob Abrams in Space because Georgie Porgie Pudding and Pie kissed all the girls
and made them cry because Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall and Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
because Red Lobster had sex in the olive garden outside Chi-Chi’s across the Lot from
Garfield’s when Enrique Muchacho poured Heinz Tomato Ketchup on his Big Johnson after he saw a
Co-Ed Naked T-Shirt because the mainstreamed disabled children finished rebuilding the space
shuttle when a drunken porcupine urinated on the foot of the Three Little Pigs’ rosy smelling
rock bed after drinking coffee ground moonshine with the Pot Bellied Butthole Surfers because
for the first time in 37 years the grasshopper dead head sobered up and forgot who he was and
the fork ran away with the spoon after receiving a death threat from George Tita and was saved
by Radioactive Bowling Man because he used WD-40 on Balki while he was smashing pumpkins
because he received a badmotorfinger from a downward spiral who called him a pretty hate
machine during his Siamese dream of Pisces Iscariot while the grasshopper dead head was buying
more LSD to put in his pennyroyal tea after all apologies on a plane made him smell like teen
spirit and made him dumb when Enrique Muchacho and the Spam Freedom Fighters attacked the Anti-
Spam Foundation and Miss World using doll parts before eating some spamburgers and boarding the
space shuttle to go to space where Bob Abrams was awaiting their arrival to join in the far
reaches of deepest darkest space between my fingers to do war upon the evil George Tita on the
Planet Spam while the pet cobra gave his owner a poison eye when a Killer Whale ate a pine tree
because he accidentally mistook it for an octopus he caught sleeping with his wife while
Enrique Muchacho and the Spam Freedom Fighters arrived on the Planet Spam and were greeted by
Bob Abrams after the mainstreamed disabled children finished shaving their balloons with
lightsabers by using a Jedi mind trick they learned from Ziggy when the sky hit him on the head
and he took a Jesus Christ Pose after breaking down his rusty cage where Pepe Lepew had
imprisoned him on the orders of Cousin Larry who Balki had coerced into joining the war after
Ronald McDonald raped Grimace in the Batmobile on the way to the movies where Enrique
Muchacho’s first feature film “Interview with the Spampire” was making its debut when an acorn
hit the Boardwalk after a hotel was placed on Park Place and they passed Go and collected 200
dollars and the spicy battered women who kill coyotes in New York City won the Super Bowl when
a three toed sloth drank a Coca Cola and was beat up by the Pepsi Guy in a restaurant after
George Tita cut himself shaving on the Planet Spam where Bob Abrams and Enrique Muchacho
launched an all out attack on the Nine Trillion Millimeter Lobster Man and his Nuclear Powered
Tie who was no match for the Ol’ Diamondback Sturgeon when Mr. Krinkle had some spam and
enjoyed it because Sam I Am had Green Eggs and Ham after the Grinch Stole Christmas and it all
happened on Mulberry Street where Odie jumped Balki because Garfield ate lasagna from Jon’s
bellybutton after G.I. Joe shot I.M. Stupid in the name of my father’s Mohican left foot after
Michael McCafferty was caught masturbating vigorously into a notebook where he was shot by Bob
Abrams after Lorena Bobbitt mutilated him because How Much Difference does it make when the
grasshopper dead head and the Pot Bellied Butthole Surfers kicked the shit out of the Nine
Trillion Millimeter Lobster Man and his Nuclear Powered Tie on the orders of Radioactive
Bowling Man because Wild Cherry Pepsi Cola pissed on Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood after hearing
that Kermit the Frog went wild in Miss Piggy’s pussy after Animal converted to Catholicism when
he found out that Grimace had sordid love affair with Chester Cheetah who was the love child of
Captain James T. Kirk and Queen Latifah while in the meantime Sesame Street was featured on The
Muppet Show while the Boy Who Cried Wolf fucked Little Miss Muffett after Little Red Riding
Hood publicly declared her homosexuality before braining Hillary Clinton with a dildo when the
fork ran away with the spoon because a giraffe was caught masturbating in an X-Rated movie
theater while Curious George was giving head to the Man in the Yellow Hat during the Pink
Panther’s sponge bath with Dr. Pepper and the Radioactive Bowling Ball while the mainstreamed
disabled children and the spicy battered women who kill coyotes in New York City were using the
Force to have an orgy with Darth Vader and Yoda who was drunk off his ass on coffee ground
moonshine and Zippo Lighter Fluid which he got from Chewbacca after he smoked a blunt that was
33 feet long and 6 inches wide because Fred Flintstone shoved a broomstick up Barney Rubble’s
ass after Wilma was caught in bed with Betty and Darkwing Duck and the Animaniacs who ingested
hallucinatory mushrooms and swore on a stack of Bibles that Jack was Nimble and Jack was Quick
so his wife left him for a man with a bigger dick while Peter Peter Pumpkin Eater and Little
Boy Blue beat the monkey while Pablo and Captain Jim watched helplessly as Rin Tin-Tin was put
to death by the evil Julian Macy with his hydroelectric pager and Mickey Mouse was raped by
Daffy Duck because Porky Pig wouldn’t put out after Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny beheaded a
canary just because a possum and a field mouse accidentally shot a horse and Ziggy wrestled
Balki from Perfect Strangers to a 60 minute time limit draw when that guy in Red Lobster who
eats spam while everyone else is eating seafood was voted Employee of the Month at the Jeep and
Eagle Nuclear Waste Potato Peel Lemon Juice Foundation after Texaco drank Ice Beer out of
Dumbo’s ears before Luke Skywalker circumcised Hanukah Harry with his lightsaber because Jack
and Jill went up the hill and three blind mice skydived from the top of London Bridge because
the cheese stands alone and a loser was sucked into a black hole with a Nitemare Hippy Girl
while Enrique Muchacho and Nutsin Scrotum murdered a blue jay for taking a shit on their
battery operated nuclear fission astrological jet ski after a bunch of Russian immigrants
ruined Bill Clinton’s sex life on the U.S.S Excelsior while their phasers were set on stun
because Mr. Spock mind melded with a finger dinner and Superman shoved a brick of Kryptonite up
Lex Luthor’s ass on Memorial Day Weekend because the check was in the mail when Bruce Wayne aka
Batman fucked the shit out of a Plymouth Neon when Spider Man was caught jerking off a Wonder
Woman comic after Richard Dawson and Montel Williams played the feud when Mr. Self Destruct had
a Head Like a Hole and something I will never have because Mickey and Mallory Knox did it in a
hairbrush when Lursa and B’Etor beat up Captain Katherine Janeway because Megamen can only be
found at General Nutrition Centers while sleeping and drinking before lying to Odo because he
had Orange Crush by the balls after finding out that the Marlboro 100’s Gold Box was on drugs
because he couldn’t get food stamps because Homey don’t play dat when the evil Julian Macy
played footsey with the Spam God after the author of this bullshit continued to write while
taking a shit because Mutiny on the Bounty’s what I’m all about when Captain Jean-Luc Picard
and Gowron finger fucked a French tickler after James Bond and Scooby-Doo experimented with
recreational drugs to Shaggy’s dismay after A1 Bold insidiously caused gum disease before being
run over by a Mack truck driven by Listerine after the Vampire Lestat helped a hoya hire a
Highlander when Super Mario went to Heaven where he met an Ice Beer named Bud which was drunk
by Archie Bunker when the Berenstain Bears went to war with King Koopa on a you sunk my
battleship after Baa Baa Black Sheep didn’t have no wool when Little Bo Peep and Old King Cole
castrated Hugh Grant when sugar and spice and everything nice dropped an atom bomb on snakes
and snails and puppy dog tails after Captain Benjamin Sisko had sex with the Mystery Machine
after the mainstreamed disabled children and the spicy battered women who kill coyotes in New
York City executed George Tita for crimes against the Planet Spam while on Earth the evil
Julian Macy absorbed Tita’s organization and set out with the Romulans to conquer the known
universe after McDonald’s French Fries kidnapped Ken and Barbie on the orders of Balki from
Perfect Strangers when Red Hot Chili Peppers sucked my kiss with Blood Sugar Sex Magik and
Pablo Honey’s Radiohead on the broken window because the Count and Cookie Monster finally
admitted their mutual attraction for one another after Trent Reznor and Courtney Love brutally
tortured Horton because he heard a Who on Friday because Murder Was the Case when Burger King
and McDonald’s went to war over their leftist Nazi obsession with killing Communists when the
wicked Bill Patterson’s pre-operative transsexual lesbian son blew up the Chancellor of the
Klingon High Command because he cheated like a two timing housewife in Pinochle and Black Jack
Gum and Forrest Gump beheaded the Jack of Hearts when RBX and the Ace of Spades shot down the
Batplane when the MTI went AWOL with a VIP from HQ in the CQ when they were put on KP by a PO’d
MTM doing a science project on HIV for the DoD with a White Zombie who got caught fucking
Pantera with a tool while Enrique Muchacho and the mainstreamed disabled children cut off the
Electric Head of Astro Creep as a favor to Swamp Thing who had helped them kill Moss Man who
had been working as a hitman Bret Hart for the evil Julian Macy who was writing songs of Love,
Destruction, and other Synthetic Delusions while tripping on LSD with the grasshopper dead head
after the wicked Bill Patterson turned out to be an OK guy after all after he turned to the
light side of Spam when the Death Row Inmates shot Fozzie Bear with the Bop Gun after Miss
Token Appearance showed up at Club V for a pico second before finding out McDonald’s was
serving almost as many people as she was after the meaning of life was revealed to a lowly
shepherd while he was fucking a sheep while singing a Redneck Cadence and downing half a bottle
of Southern Comfort in two minutes and the melancholy and infinite sadness which is the world
we know discovered a handy escape route in a Cracker Jack Box through which a Gnome Gnamed
Gnorm and Price Pfister who is the Pfancy Pfaucet with a Pfunny Name arm wrestled the High
Joker for the right to stand in line for Miss Token Appearance’s Fuck Fest which can only be
seen on Pay Per View and is coming as quickly as the God of Premature Ejaculation when Mr.
Magoo proposed marriage to a Saint Bernard when the Ancient Greeks defied the Laws of Magnetism
after the Force of Attraction and Repulsion led to the author of this bullshit to turn his back
on Miss Token Appearance when she shoved a magnetic pole up the Idiot O’Leary’s ass because he
took the Left Hand Rule for Conductors to heart after the evil Julian Macy and the Romulans
engaged the Spam Freedom Fighters on the far flung Planet Spam and met defeat at the hands of
Master Baiter when an effeminate married bisexual man wet his pants doing the horizontal hula
on top of a widely spaced inductance factor while the cure of capacitor voltage on discharge
mortally offended a hummingbird who got medieval on the ass of Donkey Kong for stroking his
banana just before Radioactive Bowling Man broke his foot off in E.L. Fudge’s ass before he let
loose his sexual chocolate just to see the effects on inductive circuits when parameters change
for visual inspections when Texas Instruments used 1,116 VAC on Mountain Dew on the orders of
Chelsea Clinton because she was in a bitchy mood after Fabio was caught in bed with Alex Trebek
and Ted Koppel while skydiving off of a paper airplane when The Penguin used a pebble to seduce
Bamm Bamm because Boomer wasn’t doing it for him after a 30 ton Rattlesnake with Elephantitis
of the nuts tried to ride a bicycle through Central Park where the Nine Trillion Millimeter
Lobster Man and his Nuclear Powered Tie were watching intently as Mr. Pibb tried to pick up Ms.
Pac Man with Crispy Critters and Fruit Loops while the evil Julian Macy kidnapped Beauty’s
Beast in hope of forcing Bob Abrams and Enrique Muchacho to give him control of the Planet Spam
after the mainstreamed disabled children partied with the Pot Bellied Butthole Surfers while
the grasshopper dead head shared his LSD and coffee ground moonshine with the Pillsbury
Doughboy because the spicy battered women who kill coyotes in New York City had a gang bang
with that guy who eats spam in Red Lobster while everyone else is eating seafood which abruptly
ended when his Long John Silver fell out of the window of opportunity and into the hands of
Bert who immediately took it home to feed Ernie after the Leprechaun spit shined Ant Man’s
combat boots after Velma and Daphne of Scooby-Doo fame admitted to the world that they were
really transsexual men when the Riddler and the Jolly Green Giant were both shot by a Dodo bird
who was proceeding with attitude to the Blue Oyster Bar in search of a few good men when
suddenly without warning The Orgasm Guy fell out of an airplane and landed on The Sensitive
Naked Man who was in the middle of a cockfight with Won Hung Lo after the Anti-Spam
Foundation’s attempt to secede from the evil Julian Macy’s Crime Family was thwarted by the
Keep the Fat Kid Fat Foundation after Tweety and Sylvester gang raped an innocent field mouse
who was in search of a hero after Duck Dodgers of the 24th and a half century visited the
Planet of the Apes when a Saber-toothed Tiger had a Brontosaurus Burger while playing chess
with Dink who was really a nice guy but acted as if Miss Token Appearance would ever give her
love to the Radioactive Bowling Man when Little Jack Horner sat in a corner because Old King
Cole was a merry old soul when Simple Simon met a pie man who was looking for the Pied Roddy
Piper because the rent is due and our dues are paid when the Village Idiot and the Town Crier
both fell in love with an Amorous Adorable Amusing Anorexic Anaconda from Albuquerque because
the Cobra Commander was looking for the brainchild at AT&T who spelled the author’s name wrong
after Droopy played strip poker with a chicken hawk before getting a blow job from a scientific
calculation of zero because Taco Bell discovered that he was the love child of Medusa and Yoda
after Genghis Khan and King Tut were exhumed in an effort to test the healing powers of Spam
because Powdered Toast Man kicked the shit out of the Cat in the Hat when it turned out that
the Little Engine that Could really couldn’t after all after Tom and Jerry sabotaged a bullet
train when a homosexual parrot gave his love to a lion at the Tiger’s Den before Beetlejuice
shoved a washing machine up Mr. Clean’s ass after Ren and Stimpy ordered a mob hit on Beavis
and Butthead when the Mystery Machine and the Batmobile started dating because Shaggy had the
dignity to finally just kill the fuck out of Fred after Scooby was busted selling heroin to
Snoopy and Woodstock before Linus shoved his blanker down Lucy’s throat when Mrs. Dash beat the
piss out of Betty Crocker because she was fucking Mr. Coffee inside a can of Folger’s Crystals
on top of a mole hill in a Volkswagen Jetta after a hot air balloon exploded on the ground when
Master Baiter cut it off in a freak shaving accident when the strawberry daiquiri guy killed
Juan Valdes because there was a bug in his Colombian coffee the size of China after Crayola
Smooth Bright Colored Pencils were all the rage when the Great Gazoo kidnapped a duck billed
platypus who was blind in one eye because to identify the open and closed contacts Tim Taylor
accidentally shot Al in the ass with a staple gun after Jimmy Hoffa came out of hiding because
he found out about Echwin’s Rats before they could join the evil Julian Macy in the war against
the Spam Freedom Fighters when Father Time shoved his sickle up Mother Nature’s nose after the
number of turns inductance could take was limited by the Spam God and his faithful servant Eat
Me who was behind the fence when the Big Bad Wolf came knocking on heaven’s door after Rambo
blasted the piss out of him after the Terminator became a homosexual Chippendale’s Dancer
because he came oil when Phil Donahue announced he was doing a show on Homosexual Transvestite
Chippendale Dancers who eat spam using their big robot dicks as paring knives when the 30 Ton
Rattlesnake with Elephantitis of the Nuts challenged the Nine Trillion Millimeter Lobster Man
and his Nuclear Powered Tie to a wrestling match after Particle Man maxed out his Visa card
buying tickets to the chess game between Thing and My Father’s Mohican Left Foot around the
time Gomez Addams fucked the shit out of Lurch in a drunken one night stand which was an often
repeated occurrence although in the later years he could never admit to it because Morticia
would kill him when Lily Munster admitted to Herman that she never loved him because she felt
this strange attraction to that woman on the Aunt Jemima box after Orange Sunkist smoked some
chronic and had an infrared ultraviolet dream of the Land of Oz when the Lollipop Kids and the
Lost Boys killed a whale because he sang opera off key while smoking Newports by the carton
when Azrael shoved a Smurf up Gargamel’s ass after he snorted cocaine with the Cat from Outer
Space as the writer pondered the usefulness of life when the Queen of Hearts pounded the living
shit out of Alive when she found a shorted capacitor in an open circuit when the Marlboro Man
kicked the shit out of Joe Camel after a buzzard got the shits after washing down his Spam with
Barq’s and a small woodland creature which was nearby and never stood a chance when Cyclops
went to an optometrist when the evil Julian Macy released Beauty’s Beast because he got sick on
Jungle Fever Juice and Firestarter water while Shang Tsung and Shao Khan participated in a
ménage a trois with the Eat Me Beat Me Lady who screamed out in ecstasy after she got rammed in
the ass by a One Eyed One Horned Flying Purple People Eater after John Jacob Jingleheimer
Schmidt sodomized a rosebush in the name of all Snapple drinkers in the land of Lilliput when
Gulliver pulled a beanstalk out of a Giant’s ass after the Wolf in Sheep’s Clothing was
arrested for exposing himself to solenoid relay after it was learned that total inductive
reactance of Winnie the Pooh’s sex life depended wholly on whether or not Eeyore would let
Rabbit and Owl pin a tail on his ass while Tigger and Piglet each satisfied one another orally
while Big Brother was watching intently as a bear wiped his ass using a porcupine after Bob
Abrams and Enrique Muchacho defeated the evil Julian Macy once and for all before he was
executed by Little Annie’s Fanny before Mello Yellow and Orange Jello had sex on the beach when
the eccentric Carl Burgio took over as interim head of Julian Macy’s Crime Family before he was
overthrown by the evil Don Cooper when it was revealed that Snow White was an accomplice in the
murder of a mockingbird who Fell on Black Days on the Fourth of July after it was Superunknown
to Spoonman that the Transformers went to the T and A matinee where the Seven Dwarves executed
Pee Wee Herman when a Dog in Heat wasted Puss in Boots when the Starship Enterprise started
freebasing dilithium crystals while the Ancient Egyptians went to war with the evil Don Cooper
after the Spam Freedom Fighters facetiously got shitfaced on coffee ground moonshine and
pennyroyal tea with the Pot Bellied Butthole Surfers and the grasshopper dead head when the
Millennium Falcon was seduced by a Toucan Sam I Am with Green Eggs and Ham when Alvin and the
Chipmunks did the nasty with Chip and Dale’s Rescue Rangers before Nutsin Scrotum got the shaft
by a Farmer who like to fuck horses when the 30 Ton Rattlesnake with Elephantitis of the Nuts
ate Spam for the first time while Danger Mouse and Silus Greenback jacked a Delta Wye Step Up
after the Bed Wetting Cousin and Shit the Bed Fred announced their pending marriage to one
another after Doctor Galazkiewicz made his long awaited return to the spotlight with amazing
splendor as an armadillo was run over by a Mack truck driven by Pugsly who had found Paradise
by the Dashboard Light after Blocking out of Block II when Darkwing Duck castrated an octopus
when a Jellyfish was involved in the cold blooded murder of an orangutan because she sells sea
shells down by the sea shore when Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers when Mr. Potato
Head and Flying Hero Barbie went to the Garden of Eden where My Little Pony was slutting around
with the Maytag Repair Man after the Nabisco Thing and Swiss Miss fucked in the Chuck Wagon of
Love when Hamburglar and the Fry Guys ordered a mob hit on the Devil with a Blue Dress On after
Suk Won Nut and Iman Idiot tried their damnedest to satisfy the wanton sado-masochistic desires
of the insatiable Cabbage Patch Kids who fucked like rabbits in an igloo on top of a Giant’s
head vacationing in the Caribbean while the Frequency of an RCL circuit was determined using a
coin toss which was won by the evil Don Cooper when the Goodspeed Sisters took it upon
themselves to single-handedly triple the world’s population because Boutros Boutros-Ghali and
Ezell Ezzell walked hand in hand through San Francisco before they were assassinated by He-Man
and She-Ra because John Gotti was caught masturbating ferociously into a Rottweiler’s eye after
the mainstreamed disabled children rejoined Enrique Muchacho and Bob Abrams to continue their
mission to keep the Planet Spam free from those who would see it conquered when Montezuma had
his revenge on Mexican water drinkers after Q was discovered wandering aimlessly through the
Delta Quadrant because Frances Farmer had her Revenge on Seattle but not before The Brady Bunch
and The Partridge Family loaded up a 1966 Volkswagen Van with semiautomatic firearms and other
explosives and rode quietly with the lights off through Beverly Hills 90210 and Melrose Place
while opening fire and killing everything in sight and screaming "Can't Catch Me, I'm the
Lizard King" at the top of their lungs when the Cats in the Cradle and the Silver Spoon, Little
Boy Blue and the Man in the Moon were seen baring their all in a Canadian strip joint because
the motherless son of a homosexual necrophiliac monkey appeared on the Montel Williams show and
confessed to the world that sometimes he likes to shove a broomstick up his ass and then jump
around pretending he's a pogo stick when a roadblock was placed on the path to happiness
because Skeletor and Hordak beat the ever living piss out of the Wet and Wild Woody Watcher
with Jack Horner in his corner because an aardvark and his best friend had sex in a cornfield
with electromagnetic blow up dolls when a sex crazed nymphomaniac she wolf repeatedly fucked
herself with a can of Right Guard Sport after Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band started an
all out naval battle between a Walrus’ Yellow Submarine and Red October after a yak and a
caribou shoved Thumper up Bambi’s ass when Ivory Soap gave Dial a boot in the ass when the
Crazy Glue Guy had ring around the collar after Crest Gel who was the defender of Toothopolis
assassinated Mentadent on the orders of his superior officer because Lieutenant Dan and Forrest
Gump kept their homosexual encounters discreet when King Solomon dropped his pants for the
Thinker after Whistler’s Mother and Norman Bates shared clothing tips with Lassie who was the
illegitimate child of Scooby Doo and Lady whose one night stand came after the Tramp had come
home drunk with the Siamese Cats and a muzzle when 101 Dalmatians had a frat party with Aladdin
and Pocahontas before the Hair Bear Bunch beat the shit out of Mr. Slate while the evil Don
Cooper hog tied The Beastie Boys and executed an ox and an elk for having sex on a Little Red
Corvette wearing Raspberry Berets and partying like it was 1999 because the Incredible Hulk
smashed a Ford Cirrus after Marty McFly pulled a DeLorean out of the White Rabbit’s ass in
Wonderland after Nothing Man and Better Man beat up Tremor Christ for dissing Immortality with
Black Indifference after Evenflow was found alive on a porch near the Oceans when Mr. Food and
Sprout sucked the Jolly Green Giant’s dick for drugs after Radioactive Bowling Man and the
Radioactive Bowling Ball danced a jig on Miss Token Appearance but then again who hasn’t when
Eli the Iceman got a piece of ass from Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer when Patch forgot to go
to Elf Practice because Enrique Muchacho and Bob Abrams sponsored a homeless child by sending
Spam because the Spam God made it and it was good after the evil Don Cooper went into hiding
and all was pretty much okay on the Planet Spam when suddenly war was upon again because Artoo
Detoo and See Threepio pulled an Ewok out of Chewbacca’s ass when an X-Wing Fighter flew into
an amusement park and accidentally beheaded a calling bird when a partridge in a pear tree
found out it had a vaginal yeast infection because the evil Don Cooper resurfaced and announced
that a caterpillar had sex with him before it made its cocoon after Oscar the Grouch ordered a
Code Red on Big Bird after he played with the Forbidden Energy Bands because it Elmo gave
Grover herpegonnorsyphiliAIDS during a rough night of sex which involved Covalent Bonding in
Crystal Structures because Astronauts landed on the moon after being drop kicked by a punter
during a charity softball and soccer tournament to benefit Spam for the Homeless which was a
non profit organization aimed at starting Global Thermonuclear War on Pluto because Mickey
Mouse shot Fievel in the ass because Wally World was closed for renovations because the
Deranged Instructor Coy Baker tapped into the previously unknown and therefore mysterious
powers of the Almighty Energizer Bunny who kept going and going until he finally came all over
the Duracell Family because Mr. Burns finally got Smithers off his jock by using a semi-
conductor and a capacitor to electrocute Lucky the Leprechaun when Dr. Pepper revealed it was
not a significant source of calories from fat, saturated fat, cholesterol, dietary fiber,
Vitamin A, Vitamin C, calcium, iron, and all that other good shit too after a Diode became a
monk in a Tibetan Monastery because Batman and Robin were transformed into this hideously
disfigured and nauseating creature who fed on Pepto-Bismol and the blood of small woodland
creatures when Fuzzy Wuzzy was a bear and Fuzzy Wuzzy had no hair so Fuzzy Wuzzy wasn’t Fuzzy
was he when an accident of genetics was blamed when Pinocchio’s dominatrix wife gave birth to a
toothpick in a stable in Bethlehem underneath a bright star after Liquid Drano bedded down both
LaVelle and LaWanna after smoking hand rolled joints to go with his hand rolled pretzels and
hand squeezed Lemonade while getting a hand job by Madge the Palmolive Lady who had just soaked
in it and wanted to test its abilities when out of nowhere Mighty Mouse suddenly appeared and
was kicking some cat ass before he had a stroke caused by his almost constant use of anabolic
steroids which had been given to him by the Deranged Instructor Coy Baker who was now an ally
of the evil Don Cooper in his neverending battle against the heroic Spam Freedom Fighters after
Papa Smurf smurfed Smurfette under a smurfberry tree while singing LaLaLaLaLaLaLaLaLaLa because
the author held out his heart and professed his love for Miss Token Appearance after a Boll
Weevil chewed up Cotton Eyed Joe’s crop after Bugs Bunny got drunk off his ass on carrot juice
and woke up the next morning with the Physical Appearance of Semiconductor Diodes and a Half
Wave Rectifier because the Spaceballs shot Yasser Arafat’s best camel and Aladdin’s Genie and
Major nelson’s Jeannie had a sordid love affair with one another after Miss Token Appearance
turned her back on the author and refused to accept his love when the Black Sheep of the Family
Feud came out of hiding and went on a drinking spree the likes of which we’ll probably never
see again because Pigs in Space encountered the Klingon Empire for the first and last time
since they were immediately fried up for that night’s feast after Popeye and Bluto had it out
once and for all for the anorexic love of Olive Oyl and Wimpy’s primal need to eat hamburgers
under a jungle bush on a beach on Thursday while the temperature is a balmy 70 degrees while
awaiting the inevitable stampede of a herd of elephants when the shit hit the fan after Calvin
Klein and Vidal Sassoon were caught making love in the Adirondack Mountains by Shelana the Oak
Tree Woman and a guy named Biff after Miss Token Appearance falsely accused the author of
stalking her while eating spam and masturbating vigorously into the Eye of the Tiger when
Wilbur was caught sodomizing Mr. Ed with a Full Wave Bridge Rectifier because the Eat Me Beat
Me Lady seduced a TI 30X Calculator after a small alien spacecraft landed on Nagy’s Head
because they thought it was a moon after a fuse was blown by Mary Poppins who was in the middle
of a traumatic breakup with her talking umbrella because Fraggle Rock swallowed a mouthful of
whale jizz after the Deranged Instructor Coy Baker did the lambada which is the forbidden dance
with a Four Hundred Pound Transsexual Belly Dancer because the evil Don Cooper ordered a possum
to play dead while it was being shoved into the ass of a Three Toed Four Eyed Six Legged
Wildebeest from Walla Walla Washington because a Psycho Bitch from the Deepest Pit of Hell
somehow escaped so she could fuck the everliving shit out of the Energizer Bunny who kept on
coming until coming was no longer possible because the Autobots and Decepticons got stoned off
their asses on Energon Cubes because Happy Harry Hardon got the best of Harry Dick in Round Two
of their Twelve Round Cockfight for the World Heavyweight Championship when Curious George got
medieval on the ass of the Pink Panther because the operating conditions for a Transistor
Amplifier Circuit caused his left nut to go BLAM because the Borg launched an all out attack on
a Leftist Homosexual Nazi Hunter Named Squirrel because a pyromaniac homosexual astronaut loved
large loads in his rectifier after a HiLiter marker and a Differential Amplifier jumped out of
a hot air balloon over the French Alps while wearing skis and shooting at snow bunnies down
below with their AK-47s and screaming Long Live Ohms who is the God of Electronic Principles
because Schematic Symbols for the UJT assassinated a Zener Diode by pushing him through a
Junction Barrier on the orders of the evil Don Cooper who was still getting his ass beat from
end of the Planet Spam to the other when Kermit the Frog sued a Photodiode for taking pictures
of him in a very compromising position with Scooter when he was cheating on Miss Piggy with
after discovering that Gonzo's nose tickled his ass like a feather when a Mitsubishi Galant and
a Lincoln Mercury became tag team partners after the Deranged Instructor Coy Baker dressed
like a swinger in a Seventies Dance Club and was Staying Alive in spite of the fact that he
had Saturday Night Fever when the grasshopper dead head and Little Bo Peep joined forces to
lead an attack to free the Nation of Llama which was under the control of a Llandllord named
Lloyd but at the last second the grasshopper dead head decided not to do it because the pot
bellied Butthole surfers scored a jug of coffee ground moonshine from Grimace after Enrique
Muchacho and Bob Abrams conquered the evil Don Cooper and the Anti-Spam Foundation by way of
shoving a sub atomic nuclear bomb up Cooper's ass when a Reclusive Hermit left semen stains on
a Seaman named Asswipe after a Silverchair was frogstomped by Sarsippius' Ark who had
infectious grooves on his ass and genitalia because no sooner had Cooper been conquered that
the evil Captain Aubert who was a renegade Priest of Ohms succeeded Cooper as Head of the Anti
Spam Foundation after he successfully came into the eye of a sperm whale sitting 500 yards away
because Soap on a Rope and Arnold Schwarzenegger sodomized one another using bistable
multivibrators because it was revealed that running around naked in the sun when you're fair
skinned usually leads to interesting sun burns and undue discomfort while having sex with
Raccoons of the Great White North while chipmunks go scurrying about gathering nuts for
Elephant Man because Cliff Claven was elected President of the National Disgruntled Postal
Workers Association and announced their partnership with the National Rifle Association and the
Michigan Militia because the Mathematical Operations of a Binary Coded Decimal burst causing an
Electromagnetic Pulse that shorted out the pacemaker of an elderly man while he was attending
the Special Olympics at the behest of Radioactive Bowling Man because Paddington Bear shoved a
jar of marmalade up Gumby's ass as the result of a dispute he had with Gumby's Pony Pal Pokey
when Enrique Muchacho and the Spam Freedom Fighters encountered the evil Captain Steven F.
Aubert for the first time on the Planet Spam after the Deranged Instructor Coy Baker made love
to Mr. Potato Head after a Hemp Induced Transient and the grasshopper dead head slam danced
with Ronald McDonald in The Edge because a Standard TTL Sub Family was put to death by the
Cable Guy after it was revealed that the preferred position for the General Qualifying Symbol
was Doggystyle with the Insane Membrane of Shane McLane because Bob Abrams and Enrique Muchacho
assassinated the Corrupt Instructor Francis Drollinger as a personal favor to the author who
himself had a personal war with the evil Captain Steven F. Aubert who retaliated by starting a
water balloon fight with some Blind Slow Children with One Arm and Five Legs who were born
after the Chernobyl accident when his plans were foiled by Whenwillyou Jerkmeoff who had allied
himself with the Pot Bellied Butthole Surfers because the Spicy Battered Women Who Kill Coyotes
in New York City finally met their match after a Ten Peckered Owl and a Horny Toad found
themselves to be overwhelmed by the Anal Retentive Sexual Practices of the Perverted Shirt
Tales because a lame seagull masturbated into the mouth of the Mississippi River when a
Militant Lesbian and a Flaming Homosexual were shot by Wednesday Addams because Santa Claus
sold his soul to the Spam God after a T-Type Flip Flop gave birth to Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde by
means of asexual reproduction after Whenwillyou Jerkmeoff opened a Sperm Bank and Laundromat in
the heart of Beverly Hills 90210 near Melrose Place which was still recovering from the trauma
caused by The Brady Bunch and The Partridge Family's unprovoked attack because Eeyore and
Droopy became the best of friends after their discreet homosexual encounter in the men's room
of the Jeep and Eagle Nuclear Waste Potato Peel Lemon Juice Foundation where they were
attending a seminar on the therapeutic uses of Spam on Manic Depression because Marco Polo and
Ferdinand Magellan spread Jello Chocolate Pudding and Whipped Cream all over each other and
screamed out in ecstasy as they were licked completely clean by Odie who had become a sex
machine following an argument with Garfield over whether or not self masturbation was an
acceptable method of foreplay before unusual sexual encounters which inevitably involved
capturing small furry animals and shoving them head first up Donkey Kong's ass after Ohms who
is the God of Electronic Principles sent his only son Modulus to Spam to do war upon the evil
Captain Steven F. Aubert as the Spam Freedom Fighters and their leaders Enrique Muchacho and
Bob Abrams went on a pilgrimage to Hormel which is the Holiest City in all of Spam to pay
homage to the Spam God after an exclusive report on A Current Affair featured an interview with
Dollar who had just written a tell all book on Richie Rich's sexual attraction to Transvestite
Sea Urchins and Ripple Counters because Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum got stoned off their fat
asses on Whenwillyou Jerkmeoff's hallucinogenic carrot juice because Nutsin Scrotum and The
Crypt Keeper gang raped Mr. Ed after beating each other with Master-Slave Flip Flops when the
Least Significant Digit of a Hexadecimal Number set fire to the Trix Rabbit as retribution for
crimes committed against the followers of Ohms when much to the surprise of his followers the
evil Captain Steven F. Aubert abandoned his war on the Planet Spam and returned to Earth with
the Anti-Spam Foundation to do war upon the Church of Ohms and never darker Spam's borders
again and the Anti Spam Foundation was renamed the Ohms Resistors after the grasshopper dead
head and Wahn Tu Doyou mistakenly walked in on a Hedgehog while he was sodomizing himself with
a Jack Rabbit because Cheech and Chong threw a surprise party for Raynaldo Gaylord in honor of
his promotion to the rank of Rear Admiral Lower Half of the Navy after the 30 Ton Rattlesnake
with Elephantitis of the Nuts and Dr. Doolittle made love to a Gypsy Moth as part of their
initiation into the Brotherhood of Ohms after their intrepid leader Dick Puller played strip
poker with E. Normus Johnson because In the Name of My Father's Mohican Left Foot's last hurrah
came after Indiana Han Jones Solo became a Fugitive for playing Patriot Games during The Hunt
for Red October because Hi C got Hawaiian Punched in the face by Lucky the Leprechaun after the
9 Trillion Millimeter Lobster Man and his Nuclear Powered Tie did a strip tease in a back alley
for Hans and Franz who were pumping their you know whats to the music because Mega Maid went
from suck to blow after the evil Captain Steven F. Aubert and his top Lieutenant the Deranged
Instructor Coy Baker recruited President Skroob who was the leader of the Spaceballs for the
Ohms Resistors when Dick Puller dropped acid with Happy Harry Hardon because Jack and Jill
went up the hill after Admiral Raynaldo Gaylord passed gas during his homosexual encounter with
Big Bird who wasn't called Big for nothing when a Crazed Ex Marine Vietnam War Veteran ran
through Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood with an AK-47 and a Grenade Launcher and blasted the ever
living shit out of King Friday XIII in the Neighborhood of Make Believe during a violent
flashback of his experiences as a radio DJ because Video Killed the Radio Star after Balki from
Perfect Strangers made love to the March Hare because the Mad Hatter threw an Un-Birthday Party
for the Cheshire Cat who stood on his head while getting a spanking from the Energizer Bunny
when Modulus the only son of Ohms who the God of Electronic Principles executed the evil
Captain Steven F. Aubert by shoving a wooly mammoth up his ass because the grasshopper dead
head and the Pot Bellied Butthole Surfers partied hardy with the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers
after Minnie Mouse and Daisy Duck had a lesbian encounter with Madonna when Mr. Rogers and Mr.
Dress Up gang raped Captain Kangaroo before shaving all the hair off of his body and force
feeding it to Barney the Purple Dinosaur because Del tha Funky Homosapien was kidnapped by
Fluffy tha Funky Homosexual who greased up his thing and rammed it into the ass of his Teddy
Bear Butch who retaliated by cutting out his testicles and frying them up for the culinary
enjoyment of Old MacDonald who masturbated a chicken to orgasm because the civil war on Spam
resumed after the evil Christopher Quinn revived the Anti-Spam Foundation from the ashes of the
Ohms Resistors because Bugs Bunny and Peter Rabbit did a full cavity search on Adam Ant which
was something to see after The Lion King had cyber sex with the Detroit Red Wings after Dokken
and U2 pulled Thumper out of Bambi's ass much to the relief of the Imperial Stormtroopers
because Enrique Muchacho and the Spam Freedom Fighters safety wired a hedgehog and a prairie
dog to a nuclear warhead because the Cardassian Union and the Emissary beast fucked the
author's promiscuous ex fiancee in the back seat of a Yugo when Jack Sprat could eat no fat.

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